24 December 2017
Mummy Santa just got busted putting presents under the tree having scoffed all the food left for Santa....
Mummy: [Standing there with two presents when the boys enter. Drops said presents as she jumps]
The boys: “What are you doing? And oh no! Where is Santa’s food?”
Mummy: “errrrr errrmmm.... [f**k f**k f**k....]. Well. You see...urm...
Yes. A giant badger just came into the house boys....it was MASSIVE and it just stole ALL the food for Santa”!!! I had to fight it all by myself....good job mummy can kick box” [wtf never even tried kickboxing...]
Them: “Eh? But why are you holding presents?
Mummy: “oh silly...These presents are from mummy and daddy. One each [thank god I was only holding two]...Quick boys. Run upstairs as the badger is still around and it has really sharp teeth....Daaaaddddyyy....I need you to come catch the badger”
Kids: [now terrified they are going to be eaten alive and Mummy is totally going with that option]...”Run kids before it comes to eat you....QUICK”
Bertie now nearly crying.
Barnaby asking what will happen now. Wren loving it.
Mummy: “GO TO BED whilst we try catch the badger and we will put new food out for Santa”
Off they go. Mummy and Daddy beginning to hate Xmas...
2 mins later the kids all appear again:
Mummy: “QUICK quick quick up to bed. Run....Daddy just wacked the badger on the head and there is blood everywhere [holy shit wtf is coming out of my mouth?!?!?]
Daddy: “We found the carrots and mince pie in its teeth so we know it stole the Santa food”
Barnaby: “YOU KILLED A BADGER? THAT IS ILLEGAL!!!”
Mummy: [oh f**k it]...Really!?? I mean...No it’s not. Not when it tries to stop Santa coming to bring presents [jeez...what kind of shit argument for murdering the pretend badger is that?]
Barnaby: YOU CAN’T KILL BADGERS MUMMY!
Mummy: “I didn’t. Daddy did. We will clean it up. Now go to bed quick else Santa won’t come back”
Barnaby: “YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HIDE THE EVIDENCE TOO!?”
Bertie: [pushing past] “I wanna see it....let me see the dead badger. Lemme see it...”
Mummy: “errrrr NO! [errrrrrr ummm] Quick it’s only two minutes until Santa leaves the UK as the UK vortex time gap closes soon...Run RUN RUUUUUUNNNN to bed or no presents at”
They don’t move.
Mummy: [think woman...think....] “Boys you know...when I was 9 I stayed up past 1015 and Santa didn’t come. I got no presents that year. Not one. I cried all day but Santa just left a note saying ‘naughty girl didn’t go to bed so no presents for you’”
They buy it. TFFT. They go to bed but need to sleep in the same room as they are terrified a badger will break in now and kill us all in a bloody badger killing spree...
Daddy to Mummy: I suggest we don’t put any presents under the tree now. There is a fridge stuck in that chimney fire place anyway [this is actually true]. Put all presents in the fire place in our bedroom and make up some shit that Santa couldn’t get down the chimney and thus delivered to our room instead of the tree. That way they probably won’t remember this lovely little Xmas horror story in the morning...?
Mummy: I need a vodka.
Daddy: I’ll pour.
Not our finest hour parenting . Happy Xmas All!
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