When Mummy was 26 she and Daddy went for a walk. In those days, going for a walk involved putting on a coat, opening the door, walking out the door and closing it. Sometimes Mummy and Daddy would walk for hours right across London discussing brain activating topics like current affairs, politics, fine wines and art. Indeed, Daddy liked art galleries a lot so Mummy, being the perfect wife she is, would happily escort Daddy to said art galleries to waste away hours looking at Picasso, Dali and the likes of Mark Rothko....Mummy and Daddy were young and had just oodles of free time.
Remember life when you had free time?
On one such walk, they discussed their future children. And foolish, stupid, idiotic Mummy uttered the words “when we have kids, I hope they are active and strong and have their own opinions. Think of all the perfectly lovely conversations Mummy can have whilst picnic-ing in a field of sunflowers listening to their joyful laughter as they play frisbee". Mummy then added "I hope that we have interesting children - not wall-flower ones...”
This is how I imagined picnics with kids
And SLAM! Like that Mummy jinxed the rest of her entire frikkin' life. Because, Mother Sodding Nature took some of those words and stuffed 10 x the normal recommended safe dose into the DNA of Mummy and Daddy's darling little off-spring. Mummy and Daddy were then blessed with THREE darling children who are highly opinionated, stronger than sodding horses and Never, Bloody. Sit. Still. EVER. If Mummy ever met Mother Nature, she would be havin' some words with her about breach of contract because there are no sunflowers and frisbee picnics where her off-spring are reading poetry and eating strawberries like Mummy requested.
This morning, when Mummy suggested we go on a nice walk to the art gallery, her 7 year old positively hurled himself at the floor yelling "noooooo! My. Legs. Hurt"..."Can't we take the car?"
The 9 year old who is racing towards adolescence at the same speed as a NASA rocket takes off fired back "Shut up you dork...Mummy and Daddy are old people so they like walking"...before he added "...but I am only coming if I can take my nerf guns [plural] too".
Daddy looked at Mummy and sighed. Mummy is pretty sure another wrinkle slid into place on her face before taking a deep breath in. For some reason, at that point, Mummy and Daddy did display signs of premature aging because they seem to completely forget their own frikkin' goddam minds...Both of them foolishly attempted to continue with the plan to leave the house. Mummy uttered some words about just needing to get them out in the sunshine. And ALL Mummy and Daddy needed to do was open the door, step through the hole and close the door again. It is like they temporarily forgot that they had nearly 10 years' experience playing this Ground Hog Day game. You would think that Mummy and Daddy would have learnt that leaving the house with 3 kids age 3, 7 and 9 is not just a case of walking out the front door.
Approximately 45 minutes later, everyone was ready. Of course Mummy and Daddy were now standing next to 3 kids, 2 scooters, 1 bike, a pink unicorn handbag, 4 plastic baby dolls and a baby toy pushchair, 2 nerf guns and approximately 400 billion nerf bullets. Mummy sat down at the bottom of the staircase slightly whimpering and cursing bloody Mother Nature under her breath. Daddy on the other hand appeared to have eaten an entire packet of Dextro Energy Tablets to help him through the trauma that is more commonly known as "the weekend".
Daddy had also gone into survival mode and packed "snacks" for the journey....the 20 minute walk to an art gallery and Daddy had packed frikkin' bloody SNACKS! Mummy may or may not have got a little bit cross at this point and may or may not have yelled at Daddy "What on earth do you think is going to happen? Are we going to walk approximately 50 feet then our legs will start wobbling and we will start falling over because it will have been at least 1.5 hours since we last ate food which is clearly far too long? FFS". Mummy snatched the snacks bag away and chucked them into a downstairs bathroom before her darling, beautiful 3 year old spied them. Because darling, beautiful 3 year old has opinions and strength like you would not believe. And truth be told Mummy is a little bit scared of darling three 3 year old so would rather just hide things than have any kind of direct face to face conversation explaining why you can't just eat ALL the food ALL day long.
Another 25 minutes passed and we were OUT and in the fresh air. Mummy and Daddy and their darling children (and all the crap they insisted on bringing) then walked 10 metres before darling 3 year old announced "I dunna wee..." Mummy silently said to herself "You just have to be frikkin kidding me!" before smiling lovingly at her 3 year old and saying out loud "It's ok darling" as her inner voice was simultaneously screaming inside her head "Why? Why FFS. What did I ever do to Mother Nature to make her so revengeful?!?!?".
Daddy was coming down from the sugar high and now getting a bit grumpy. We all turned around and went home. Once inside the house again (it is surprising how quickly kids walk into the house compared to out of the house), Daddy took the 3 year old into the toilet only for her to discover the discarded bag Mummy had chucked in there 5 minutes earlier and scream with delight "SNACKS!! It's time for snacks now"!!! And that was the moment Mummy and Daddy knew that the walk was over.
Mummy then had a brilliant idea. She promptly announced that she needed to go into the office to do some 'urgent' work. The rest of the morning was quite perfect because Mummy was able to sit in her office which is in a separate building to the main house and listen to Daddy from afar. In no way did Mummy chuckle when she heard Daddy scream:
“BUT WHHHHYYYY did you draw all over the 200 year old Georgian stone walls with a sharpie??”. Nor did she turn the radio up louder. Mummy would never do something like that because she is totally supporting Daddy - from another room, 25 feet away of course.
Mummy did helpfully send a message to Daddy by text (because Mummy is not stupid and knows that if she goes into the house, Daddy may grab hold of her ankles and shout "please don't leave me here with them on my own"). Mummy texted to tell Daddy that she was being Very Important today and working so could he take care of the washing, homework, ironing and cleaning and bathing the children. Oh and not to forget there are 2 birthday parties today so if he could wrap presents as well and make sure those kids get delivered to those parties on time". Meanwhile Mummy would sit at her desk being Important and would be back at 6pm so if Daddy could have dinner ready by then, that would be perfect. After all, that is what Mummy normally does on top of a normal working day 😉 xx.
Happy Mother's Day to all the Mums working really hard to keep all those balls in the air. Have a nice large glass of wine. 💋💋 And Good Luck to all the Dads who are just hanging on until Monday morning when they can escape to the office...
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