Witt & Wisdom: Daddy’s birthday - Pretty Witty Cakes
Jul 25
Witt and Wisdom - Daddy's birthday

It’s my husband James’ birthday. I thought that snow arriving later today (thus a probable day off work) was enough of a present.

But no. What he really wanted was all sodding 12 of the bloody fire alarms in the house to go off at 3.05am like screaming bloody hyenas prompting Mummy, Daddy and three kids to literally JUMP out of bed and start RUNNING up and down the house playing “FIRE FIRE”. “WHERE IS IT!?!?!?”.... 

Of course for the kids this soon became “CAN WE CLIMB THE FIRE LADDER ONTO THE ROOF” ........”PLEASE MUMMY PLEaaaaassseeeee LET US STAND ON THE ROOF”.....“ohhh Happy birthday Daddy...ohhhhh IS THE HOUSE ACTUALLY ON FIRE ESPECIALLY FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY” ....”THAT’s SO SICK”...

Mummy dies a tiny bit inside every time her eldest son says “that’s so sick”. Sick is not a sensible word for “cool”. It is a stupid word. Mummy also does not find it amusing that the use of this one little word so cruelly divides the old and young. It makes her feel old because she doesn’t get it. Like she doesn’t get why her kids like watching other people play Mine Craft on YouTube. The word “sick” should really be banned.

Fortunately Mummy doesn’t pretend to be young and ACTUALLY say “SICK” herself (unlike SIMON COWELL who regularly uses the word and sounds utterly ridiculous). So in actual fact Mummy probably should feel quite smug because this must mean she is more trendy and younger than Simon Cowell  

The 9 year old then sarcastically shouts “Yehhh Mum! CAN YOU ASK FOR THREE FIRE ENGINES LIKE LAST TIME?”

Mummy ignores this flippant pre-adolescent comment that hints at pending teenage years full of sarcastic criticism of her every move. Last time the bastarding fire alarms went off it was 7pm on Friday night and Mummy was quite delighted that 6 gorgeous fire men turned up and let Mummy have a turn sitting in the fire engine...

Mummy wins.

Whilst the kids continued to yell and run around the house like we had just fed them approximately 14 trillion Haribo, Mummy and Daddy searched in vain for a fire...

Naturally Mummy and Daddy did exactly as they should and were perfect role model parents in a crisis. In no way did they initially scream “KIDS the sodding HOUSE IS. ON. FIRE” or “NO TIME FOR A COAT” as they plunged their kids out into the Sub Zero Antarctic conditions currently present in Bath... nope. No way did they do that  

Mummy then decided that if she couldn’t SEE a fire there was no way she was staying outside in Antartica. Meanwhile, Daddy located a suspicious looking fire alarm that appeared to be faulty because it would not stop flashing....and screaming noise...

Unfortunately said fire alarm is hooked up to the mains. The sodding cleverest little fire alarm ever made with no bloody batteries that we can take out. It’s like the fire alarm that was blessed with eternal life...FFS

What Mummy and Daddy really wanted to welcome in this 43rd year was even less sodding bloody sleep than normal....#solucky #soblessed

Daddy is now older than Mummy for the next 6 weeks...and with age comes far superior wisdom (Daddy claims)...So clever Daddy suggested that we just go back to bed....

Naturally the kids are feeling just so incredibly sleepy after the impromptu sprint around the house at 3am especially after the quick ice bath plunge outside. In no way are they claiming “But whhhyyyy can’t we just watch TV and have birthday cake now? 3.30 is nearly morning Muuummmyyyy”....”Can we make cupcakes now instead of sleeping?”

The 6 year old also decided this was the BEST time to try out learning the guitar. The guitar Father Christmas brought for him which he hasn’t touched since Christmas day...FFS!

Mummy spent 30 mins coaxing the 3 kids back into bed on the promise of “sure you can have chocolate for breakfast” “yes you can have it with cake and ice cream if”.....“you just PLEASE go back to sleep”. “PLEASE....” FFS!!

Mummy started to fall asleep. Remarkably only the 2 year old had crept back into her bed and was sleeping with a foot shoved in mummy’s face...a good result all round.

The exciting birthday plans could stop until it was ACTUALLY day light....

All quiet resumed...

BUT then... 15 mins later the alarms all went off again....

And round two....

We are now on round five. We can’t find a fire. The kids are definitely not asleep.

Daddy has smashed the fire alarm that appears to be the faulty one off the ceiling with a broom handle and stamped on it. Several times. Yet the sodding thing won’t die. It is the magic sodding Leprechaun of fire alarms that is never going to die...

Daddy is now sitting on the floor next to the apparently faulty fire alarm holding a broom like a dagger. It is a war between the fire alarm and Daddy. Every ten minutes when the alarm starts to whir into life again, Daddy beats it to a pulp with the end of the broom whilst shouting “F***K off Fire Alarm” F••K off” “F**K you, you little S**T!”

Meanwhile Mummy’s motherly instincts are preventing Mummy from sleeping in case there is ACTUALLY a fire hiding in the wardrobe or under the bed somewhere. She needs to stay up now to keep watch just in case she has to evacuate the children. And also because Mummy is pretty sure the smashed to pieces, eternally living, fire alarm may decide to pay Daddy back and not actually go off when it actually counts...

Happy 43rd Birthday Daddy. Much like when we were 26...we are up all night partying. It’s almost the same...

I should probably open some champagne seeing as it’s nearly morning 🍾 

Happy 43rd Birthday!
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